First, thank you to everyone for humoring me and submitting jokes. If we cannot laugh at ourselves, we are way too serious. Here are some of my favorites from the DFIR Summit. On a positive note – always try to find the humor in the situation. Especially with all that 2020 has thrown our way. Laugh and smile. 🙂
*Due to covid-19 all TCP applications are being converted to UDP to avoid Handshakes..!!
*Bill Gates walked into an APPLE store and farted but it was APPLE’S fault that they had no WINDOWS
*Do you know why I like UDP jokes?” “I don’t care if you get it or not.
*Why doesn’t Tigger have any friends? Because he plays with Pooh!
*What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
*This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.
*On a Friday, its a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.
*How can you find a blind man on a nude beach” … come on… it’s not that hard.
*What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics
*Why did the first restaurant on the moon go out of business? It had no atmosphere
*Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks!
*My friend said he didn’t understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us.
*A guy walks into a psychiatrist office fully naked and wrapped in saran wrap from head to toe. The Psychiatrist says I can clearly see you’re nuts.
*Where did the software developer go?! I don’t know, he ransomware!
*I once started a band. We were called 999MB. Unfortunately, we broke up because we couldn’t get a gig.
*When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke? When it becomes apparent.
*Which computer has the best voice? A Dell.
*How do astronomers organize a party? They planet
*I always knock on the fridge door before opening it. I do it just in case a salad is dressing!
*At a job interview I continued filling my glass of water until it overflowed. “Nervous?” asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
*Why do milking stools have 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder
*Want to hear a construction joke? I am still working on it!
*Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.
*what made the tomato red/blush? it saw the salad dressing
*a pirate walks into a bar. the bartender notices a GIANT ship steering wheel coming out of his pants. the bar tender asks “hey man, whats with the giant wheel?” the pirate answers (in pirate voice): “Yarrr, its driving me nuts”
*I pulled a muscle digging for gold… Just a miner injury
*I would not buy anything that’s Velcro, it’s a total rip off
*Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side
*What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European
*One snowman turns to another snowman and says… “Is it just me, or do you smell carrots too?”
*Where did the military hide their armies? In their sleevies
*What do computers and air conditioners have in common? They both become useless when you open windows.
*There was a gorilla in my garden this morning. He stole my gnomes, my gate, my lawnmower. I didn’t want to say anything in case he took offense.
*Does anyone have any good elevator jokes? They’re just good on so many levels!
*I applied to be a doorman but didn’t get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.
*I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have kids. Does this make me a faux pa?
*How many developers does it take to change a light bulb? None it’s a hardware problem.
*What are you called if you see a crime at an Apple Store? – An iWitness
*Why should you never trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
*What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderpants
*Why did the duck get arrested? For selling quack
*How much do pirate earrings cost? A buck an ear.
*Have you heard the steak pun? It’s a rare medium well done.
*what did the fish say when he hit the wall…dam
*Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little antibodies
*What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
*A chicken coup only has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan
*I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy. It’s not like I did anything
*What type of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad
*Why didn’t the invisible man take the job? He couldn’t see himself doing it!
*I take an extra pair of pants when I golf, just in case I get a HOLE IN ONE!
*I got fired from my job at an orange juice factory, I couldn’t concentrate properly
*My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It’s a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
*Researchers have discovered a pod of whales playing instruments. It’s an orca-stra
*bought a cute dog a few days ago. Every time when the doorbell rings he goes to the corner….. it’s a boxer
*Don’t worry if you miss a gym session. Everything will work out.
*What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
vWhat do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decaffeinated
*What didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It was stuck in a crack
*What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing. They fast
*Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
*Why did the cryptographer send back his breakfast? Because the hash wasn’t salted.
*How do you make a tissue dance? You put a lil boogie in it
*Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
*How does a computer get drunk? A. It takes screenshots.
*What do you call it when you have your mom’s mom on speed dial? A. Instagram.
*A man was talking with a psychiatrist saying, “I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam. I’m a teepee. I’m a wigwam.” The psychiatrist said, “Relax man, you’re two tents.
*why can’t you run while camping? You can only ran because it’s past tents
*Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose
*I went camping, it was intents
*Why can’t a nose by 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot
*I changed all my passwords to Kenny. Now I have all Kenny Loggins
*How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
*It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
*What is the only car that can safely drive over a speedbump at 70mph?A rental car
*How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut
*Knock, knock Who’s there? Little ol’ lady. Little ol’ lady who? I didn’t know you knew how to yodel.
I hope you enjoyed the DFIRSummit. 🙂